Why am I so hard on myself?

You're not alone in asking this

Most people don't talk about how cruel they are to themselves—but if you're reading this, you probably know the feeling:The constant inner monologue that says you're not good enough. That you should have done more. That everyone else seems to manage better than you.

It's exhausting. And it can quietly drain your self-worth over time.

But where does that voice come from? And more importantly—can it change?

The psychology behind self-criticism

As a psychologist, I often see self-criticism as a kind of internal safety system—one that tried to protect you when you were younger, but now does more harm than good.

You may have learned early on that being “good” meant being quiet, perfect, or helpful. Maybe mistakes weren’t safe. Maybe love felt conditional.So your brain created a voice to keep you in line:“Try harder.”“Don’t mess up.”“They’ll leave if you’re not careful.”

Over time, this voice can become automatic.But here’s the thing: That voice isn’t you. It’s just a pattern. And patterns can be changed.

What harsh self-talk really does to you

It might feel like your inner critic motivates you. But research shows the opposite:

• Self-criticism is linked to depression, anxiety, and burnout

• It reduces resilience—making it harder to bounce back from mistakes

• It can lead to avoidance, perfectionism, or people-pleasing

In other words: it’s not helping you become your best self. It’s keeping you stuck.

So what do you do about it?

The first step is simple—but powerful:

👉 Notice the voice.When you hear it, pause and name it: “That’s the critical part of me talking.”This tiny shift can give you just enough space to start responding differently.

👉 Ask what that voice is trying to protect.Often, the critic is a scared part of you. It believes you won’t be loved, safe, or worthy unless you’re perfect. That part deserves kindness—not shame.

👉 Practice speaking to yourself like you would a friend.You don’t have to force positivity. Just try to be fair. Balanced. Honest, but kind.

Want to go deeper?

If you recognize this pattern in yourself, I’ve created a step-by-step program to help.

The 50 Day Self-Esteem Course is grounded in psychology, filled with daily guidance, and designed to help you shift your inner voice—from harsh and anxious, to grounded and self-respecting.

🟢

Explore the course here at selfesteemacademy.org