Day 2: What causes low self-esteem?
On day 2, you will:
✔️ Learn what causes low self-esteem.
✔️ Learn the two fundamental dynamics through which parents can contribute to low self-esteem in a child.
✔️ Reflect on how your upbringing has affected your self-esteem.
What causes low self-esteem?
Our self-esteem is shaped by our experiences throughout life.
While each person’s experiences are unique, low self-esteem is always rooted in the same fundamental causes.
Self-esteem—how we view ourselves—is shaped by our interactions with the people we love and who love us.
Typically, parents (or primary caregivers) have the greatest impact on self-esteem. However, siblings, friends, classmates, relatives, and significant others also play a role.
This course will primarily focus on the effect parents have on self-esteem. This is because parents are the primary regulators of a child's self-esteem.
Even in cases where a child has suffered, for instance, bullying—where parents might not seem like the "problem"—they are still the ones who help the child regulate and manage their self-esteem throughout that difficult experience.
Self-esteem—how we view ourselves—is shaped by our interactions with the people we love and who love us.
Two destructive parenting dynamics
There are two fundamental dynamics through which parents can contribute to low self-esteem in a child:
1) When parents teach a child that love is conditional—that they must achieve certain things to receive love.
Growing up, teaching children that life can be challenging sometimes is healthy. Life isn't always easy and we all need to learn to endure frustration, boredom and duty.
But love shouldn't be conditional. And sometimes, parent's fail in their upbringing like that: they make love conditional.
Love can be made conditional in different ways, but two stand out:
One way parents can be overly demanding is by expecting perfection—whether at home, in school, in sports, or other activities. Parents who demand perfection and ignore or punish anything less will almost inevitably harm a child's self-esteem.
Parents can also demand perfection in more subtle ways. Some parents struggle with their own issues, whether it’s mental illness, substance abuse, abusive tendencies, or other destructive behaviors. In such cases, the parent may become unpredictable and self-centered, expecting the child to mold themselves to their needs.
Two examples of love being conditioned:
Hannah’s parents expected her to always get top grades. Her mom only praised her when she got straight A’s—and even then, just a little.
If she got anything less, her mom acted disappointed and sometimes pulled away emotionally. Hannah started to believe that being loved meant being perfect.
Over time, she felt like her worth depended completely on how well she performed. Trying to meet those high standards took a real toll on her self-esteem.
Daniel’s mom struggled with alcohol, and her moods were all over the place. Some days she was warm and loving, other days she barely looked at him.
He learned to read her mood constantly and adjust his behavior to keep things calm. When she was upset, he would hide his own feelings just to avoid making things worse.
Over time, he felt like her love depended on how well he could take care of her emotions. It made him doubt whether he could ever be loved just for being himself.
2) Parents can also negatively impact a child's self-esteem by failing to provide adequate interest and support.
Parents can also harm self-esteem by not showing enough interest or support.
Kids need to feel valued just for being themselves—not only when they’re doing something impressive.
It can be as simple as drawing a picture, playing a game, or collecting leaves. When a parent shows genuine interest in what their child enjoys, it builds confidence.
Spending time together without an agenda says, “You matter just as you are.” This kind of attention helps a child feel worthy, even when they’re not performing or achieving.
Many adults I’ve met say they wish their parents had just spent more time “hanging out” with them.
One example of a child feeling abandoned
Lily grew up with parents who were always busy with work.
When they spent time with her, it was usually about school, chores, or scheduled activities.
She remembers sitting alone, drawing or playing, hoping someone would just be with her.
To Lily, it felt like unless she was doing something important, she didn’t deserve attention.
Day 2 assignment
Reflect on how you feel your parent(s) may have set conditions for their love. Consider specific ways in which their love seemed tied to your achievements or behavior. Additionally, reflect on what you feel might have been lacking in their support—what they could have done more of to help you feel valued and loved, regardless of your performance.
You've completed Day 2—well done!
The assignment today might feel overwhelming, but that's okay - you'll pull through. Remember to acknowledge the hard work you're putting in and remind yourself that you're doing a great job. Take a moment to appreciate your progress. See you tomorrow!
Fredrik Hansson
Licensed clinical psychologist