Day 1: What is self-esteem?
Welcome to day 1 of the self-esteem course!
We are starting off by reflecting broadly about what causes low self-esteem and how it affects you.
All the information, questions and assignments in today's text will be revisited in depth later in the course.
Working on your self-esteem is a long-term process, and today is the first step on that journey.
If you haven't already, please read the "Before you start"-page which you can find HERE.
Let's get started!
On day 1, you will:
✔️ Learn what low self-esteem is and how it affects people.
✔️ Learn the three different low self-esteem profiles (the Avoider, the Adapter, the Achiever).
✔️ Start thinking about what has shaped your self-esteem.
What is low self-esteem?
Fundamentally, self-esteem is about our sense of worth.
Self-esteem, good or bad, is established during childhood, and parents/caregivers are the primary influencers of it.
Good self-esteem is thinking about yourself as "worthy of love and appreciation, just the way you are".
It's waking up in the morning and having as your default feeling that "I'm alright", experiencing mostly positive emotions and thoughts.
Low self-esteem, on the other hand, is feeling bad about yourself.
It's thinking "I'm not enough" and "I'm the problem" and "I need to make up for my badness".
All in all, low self-esteem leads to negative emotions, negative thoughts and anxiety-driven behaviors.
"Fundamentally, self-esteem is about our sense of worth."
Three different profiles for low self-esteem
Individuals with low self-esteem tend to display recurring patterns in how it manifests and how
they deal with it.
For the purpose of this course, I use three different profiles to describe how low self-esteem manifests in different people: avoiders, adapters, and achievers.
These three profiles reflect typical ways children adapt to destructive experiences and relationships during childhood and adolescence.
How children feel about themselves growing up affects their self-esteem and how they cope with the rest of their lives.
Some become withdrawn, careful, fearful of rejection and embarrassment, and therefore focus on avoiding risk and/or escaping anxiety. I refer to this group as avoiders.
Some desire closeness with others but fear rejection, and therefore adapt to the needs of others at the expense of their own needs, sometimes becoming so-called “people pleasers”. I refer to this group as adapters.
Some focus on top notch achievements, demanding peak performance of themselves at all times, to gain the recognition and admiration of others, or sometimes to silence an internalized critic. I refer to this group as achievers.
Note: While people usually recognise themselves more in one of these profiles, a person can "bounce" between the different profiles depending on circumstances and context.
Three examples of low self-esteem
Example 1: The avoider – Daniel
When Daniel was asked to give a presentation at work, his anxiety kicked in before he even had time to think it through.
His mind flooded with thoughts like, “I’m going to screw this up”, and “They’ll realize I’m not qualified to be here.”
Instead of facing the fear, he told his boss he had a family emergency so he could avoid the whole thing.
While it gave him instant relief, he felt disappointed in himself for backing out and missed a chance to grow his confidence.
Example 2: The adapter – Emma
Emma is the kind of person who will drop everything to help others, even when she’s running on empty.
She constantly worries that saying no might upset someone or make them stop liking her.
Because of that, she says yes to everything and ends up neglecting her own needs and boundaries.
Eventually, she starts feeling burned out and disconnected from herself, unsure of who she is when she’s not pleasing others.
Example 3: The achiever – Alex
Alex is known for going above and beyond at work, always taking on more and pushing himself harder than anyone else.
Even when he gets praise, he doesn’t let it sink in—he just feels more pressure to keep proving himself.
He’s convinced that if he slows down, people will think he’s lazy or not capable enough.
No matter how much he achieves, it never feels like it’s enough to truly feel secure or worthy.
Day 1 assignment
Write down one, two or three recent situations where your low self-esteem became a challenge for you.
You have started the journey towards improving your mental health! 💪
Good job on finishing the first day of the self-esteem course! Taking the first step is often the biggest challenge. You've made an important decision by choosing to invest in your mental health—well done!
See you in day 2!
Fredrik Hansson
Licensed clinical psychologist